“If a relationship has to be kept secret, you shouldn’t be in it.”- Regina Brett, Lesson 14.
Does it ever make sense to be in a relationship you can’t tell the world about? The correct answer would be that it doesn’t. Sadly, people find answers to this question which deviate from the obvious truth. Whether we believe him when he tells us he’ll leave her for you, we think we know better than our closest confidants, or what’s going on can hardly be called a relationship, we go against our better judgment and mum’s the word.
Before I continue, I want to note this is just as much for men as for women. Pining after people that then lead to secret relationships is not privy to one gender or sexual preference. Just please understand that when it comes to romantic interests I’m most likely to explain myself from my personal point of view.
There’s something a bit intoxicating about someone who’s with someone else yet longing to be with you, or so you fantasize. Realistically, these are people who aren’t necessarily “have my cake and eat it too people,” but rather people who are insecure, have their cake, and want to know there are other cakes to eat should something happen to theirs. Well, you’re going to go stale as a back-up cake.
For the weak, look away, I have a hard truth. You may win a battle, or two, or three, or a year’s worth, or enough to break them up, or enough to get them to cheat, but you’ll lose the war. They’ll always go back or worse, maybe never even leave they’re significant other. There’s nothing that will tear out one’s heart out and stick a stiletto through your self-worth like believing you weren’t good enough. There has also never been anything of substance that comes from the constant comparison that stems from competing for someone who is already spoken for.
If someone is with someone, it’s for a reason. It does not even have to be legitimate in your eyes. It could be a variety of reasons, history, family, the bedroom, group of friends, comfort, security, and/or unresolved complexes. Bottom line, ever having the delusion someone will leave another and ride happily off into the sunset with you will be detrimental to your well-being.
My relationship advice thus far:
1. Take them or leave them- none of this “I can fix him/her” foo-foo. You acknowledge their flaws and accept them and love their imperfections. Be supportive or be quiet. Nagging will only make things worse. If the person you love has a weakness, be the strength they need. If you cannot be understanding, you cannot stick with it. You should expect the same. Though, it does not give you the right to be selfish in a relationship. No, don’t compromise who you are but do be considerate. Way too many ladies, and a shocking amount of men expect to be catered. Just because a guy doesn’t treat you like the pet name daddy called you (I’m looking at you, Princess) doesn’t mean he’s self-centered. Remember there’s you, and there’s you in a relationship. Yes, who you are should not be lost in a relationship, but wanting to be thoughtful is part of the reason two people in love is so striking.
2. Beware the “we” mentality, vocabulary, and lifestyle. Being in a relationship is a commitment of sorts. It is not an agreement to trade in your individuality and become a Siamese twin. Whatever you “lose” in a relationship, good luck getting back. Friends, hobbies, activities that go to the wayside because you are infatuated with another human being will not grow back in when the flame dies. Relationships progress because people are never bored with the other person. Intrigue stems from constantly rediscovering someone else. I don’t want to be with someone if I read an article and before I ask the other person’s take I already know their opinion. I dread couples who succumb to always using the “we” pronoun. It creates an immediate group-think effect. The best couples are the ones who lead lifestyles that complement each others, not the ones who couldn’t exist without the other.
3. Go with your heart. In a quiet place, you know who/what you want. For me, that time is when I’m lying in bed, after I’ve sighed from thinking about all I have to accomplish the next day and before I drift off for the evening. It is entirely plausible to be in a relationship that is entirely functional but your heart isn’t in it. Some of us are so sensible we stay in these relationships and consciously or subconsciously believe the passion will come. If all you can say about someone is “they’re nice” and you don’t blush a little, or smirk when someone asks you why you like them…you’ve got some reevaluating to do. We all deserve to be happy, ask yourself “Did this person make me happy yesterday? Are they making me happy today? Is there a good chance they’ll make me happy tomorrow?” If you’re all in for yes, you’re in a good place.